Office Etiquette With The Figgis Agency
by Red Witch
Summary: If you want to learn what not to do in an office, look no further.


** The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone to charm school. I don't even own this list. I just saw it online and I thought…Yeah. You see where this is going. **

**Office Etiquette With The Figgis Agency **

"Ugh," Lana sighed as she put down the magazine she was reading. "What am I **doing **with my life?"

"I take it that's a rhetorical question?" Ray said as he worked his laptop.

"I did something productive today," Pam grinned as she sat at the table eating and drinking. "I took some petty cash out of the office and used it to adopt an elephant."

"Out of respect for the elephants, I will not make a fat joke," Ray remarked.

"You adopted an **elephant?**" Lana asked.

"It was only thirty dollars at that Hallmark Store," Pam said. "And you get a certificate and everything. And the feeling you made a positive impact on the world. Plus, it's a good conversation starter for when Archer wakes up."

"What?" Ray snickered. "You think he'd actually be impressed that you paid thirty dollars to adopt an elephant?"

"Damn it," Lana realized. "He would be."

"Damn it," Ray blinked. "I gotta do that."

"Me too," Lana nodded. "What are you doing Ray?"

"Reading some online articles," Ray sighed. "Trying to get an idea of my next career. Since this one isn't exactly taking off the ground."

"More like burrowing underground," Lana said.

"This one is good," Ray pointed. "It's about proper office etiquette."

"Is that another one of those stupid office rules lists you read online?" Pam asked.

"Read it Ray," Lana said. "This should be good for a laugh."

"Rule Number One," Ray read. "Don't eat at your desk."

Pam was munching on a bearclaw and drinking some scotch. "What kind of dumb ass rule is that?"

"I know right?" Ray said sarcastically.

"Okay technically this isn't my desk!" Pam pointed out.

"We know," Lana said. "Your desk has an entire table layout on it."

"The candles, napkins and the silverware make it look classy," Pam pointed out. "And my left desk drawer is full of ten different kinds of after dinner mints. What? I like variety!"

"Rule Two," Ray went on. "Don't go to work if you're sick. Well that doesn't apply to us. Most of us don't work even if we're in perfect health."

"This list sounds like it overlaps with a bunch of **other lists** we've read," Lana remarked.

"Well it's not Ray's fault that the people who write these things aren't original," Pam pointed out.

Ray looked at the fourth wall. "Well somebody isn't…"

Krieger walked by, speaking into his cell phone. "Well I know…I know. Well I **told** him it was a bad idea to use super glue while making a robotic ram with retractable missiles in its horns. But he never listens to me. You would think being my clone he would know better. But nooo…"

"Rule Three," Ray kept going. "Limit personal calls in work areas."

"To be fair," Pam pointed. "The only calls we usually get are personal ones."

"Even the telemarketers barely call us," Lana admitted. "Mostly due to Mallory. And Archer."

Ray agreed. "Those two are so annoying telemarketers put them on a do not call list."

Pam laughed. "Remember that one-time Archer was drunk and tried to pick up that female telemarketer? He managed to track her down and tried to get with her at her own office in Jersey?"

"And then he found out her number when he realized how hot she was," Ray snickered. "Then he kept calling that company. And when he couldn't get with her, he started calling all the other female members of the company. Must have been the first time a robo-call operation put a person on their do not call list!"

"The judge with the restraining order certainly said it was a change of pace," Lana sighed.

Cheryl then walked by talking on her phone. "Uh, huh. Uh huh. Yeah, I can take the day off. The idiots I work with won't even notice I'm gone. Yeah…"

"Rule Four," Ray sighed. "Do **not **get annoyed at other people's conversations."

"I admit I have trouble with **that one**," Lana growled.

"Me too," Pam nodded.

"Rule Five," Ray said. "Don't play loud music at your desk. You are not the office DJ."

"Unless you're getting paid for it," Pam added.

"Well obviously that's the exception to the rule," Ray said. "They just don't want you to do it for free."

"Who's the dumb ass that would DJ an office for free?" Krieger asked as he walked over.

"Remember the time you DJ'd that thing with Agent Shlomsky?" Pam asked Krieger.

"Do I?" Krieger said. "I got fifty bucks and all the free beer I could ask for!"

"That party was off the hook," Pam nodded.

"It was one of the nicer funerals our office had wasn't it?" Ray asked.

"What are we talking about?" Krieger asked.

"Office etiquette rules," Lana said.

"Did you get to the one where you should never let your clones take over your office for a day?" Krieger asked. "While you go play mini golf with some friends."

"We haven't gotten to that one yet," Lana admitted.

"Rule Six," Ray went on. "Remember to knock. PAM!"

"What?" Pam shouted.

"You need to remember to knock on doors!" Ray snapped.

"Especially if someone's in the men's room stall!" Krieger snapped.

"Well so-rrr-y," Pam rolled her eyes. "I guess I just have to respect you ladies' privacy."

"It's kind of their point," Lana told her.

"Rule Seven," Ray went back to the list. "Respect your co-workers' availability."

"I respect my co-workers," Pam quipped. "And I want to know **when** they're available! Phrasing! Boom!"

"Me too!" Krieger grinned.

"Number Eight," Ray rolled his eyes. "Keep distractions to a minimum or out of sight during meetings."

"The only way **our meetings** wouldn't have any distractions is if nobody attended them," Lana pointed out.

"She's not wrong," Pam shrugged. "We really do have short attention spans. Even for a generation raised on TV."

"Number Ten," Ray went on. "Don't be nosey. Again. PAM!"

"What?" Pam asked.

"I think you're wasting your breath on this rule Ray," Krieger remarked. "Telling Pam not to be nosey is like telling a shark not to go into a feeding frenzy."

"To be fair," Pam said. "With me it is kind of hard to tell."

"Number Eleven," Ray added. "Be considerate of other people."

They all looked at each other. And laughed. "Now **that's **funny!" Krieger laughed.

"Oh, we needed that," Pam laughed.

"We really did," Lana agreed. "Keep going Ray."

"Yeah there are some real gems in this list," Pam nodded.

"Number Twelve," Ray said. "Keep your desk organized."

"My desk is organized," Pam pointed out. "I can pull out an accident form, some bandages, some flavored scotch and a chocolate mint breath mint in the same place!"

"I know mine needs some work," Krieger sighed. "My human robotic limb parts keep crawling over to the side where my animal robotic limb parts are."

"Really?" Ray asked. "I would think it would be the other way around."

"Nope," Krieger shook his head. "And you don't want to know the state of my eye and ear drawer."

"I don't," Lana groaned. "Read on Ray."

"Number Thirteen," Ray said. "Don't be a gossip."

They looked at Pam. "What?" Pam asked.

"Number Fourteen," Ray sighed. "Mind your e-mail. Don't send mass e-mails to people you don't need to."

"This one doesn't apply to us," Lana said. "We don't exactly use e-mails to communicate. Our medium is more shouting at each other at the top of our lungs."

"It's a good system," Pam shrugged.

"You certainly can't ignore those messages," Lana agreed. "Not without a Cone of Silence."

"I tried making one of those," Krieger said. "But we all yelled so loud we broke it."

"Number Fifteen," Ray said. "Don't monopolize the conference room."

"That one is Cyril," Lana groaned. "Especially when he thinks nobody else is in the office."

"And elevators," Pam added.

"And that one time in Archer's office," Ray sighed. "When he thought everyone went home. I'm starting to get worried about Cyril."

Lana blinked. _"Why?"_

"Number Sixteen," Ray began.

"How many stupid rules **are there**?" Pam groaned.

"Number Sixteen," Ray sighed. "Shut up. Keep your conversations professional you gossiping bitch."

"I am always one hundred percent professional," Pam said. "You prissy ass!"

Krieger blinked. "Even the time you stood up in front of the entire office detailing your top twenty favorite sexual positions?"

Pam looked at him. "I was being informative."

"You were being one step above sexual harassment," Lana said. "Especially with all the diagrams!"

"It's called a power point presentation!" Pam said.

"It's called being a sexual predator!" Lana snapped.

"A **desperate** sexual predator," Krieger added. "A God I Have To Have One Final Fling Before They Throw My Ass In Solitary sexual predator."

"If they throw me in solitary again it won't be just one fling," Pam told them.

"Number Seventeen," Ray went on. "Don't ignore your co-worker's e-mails."

"Can't ignore anything nobody sends out," Lana added.

"That doesn't apply to us anyway," Pam said. "When we do send out e-mails, most people want to see them."

"Unless Cyril sends them," Ray added. "Then yeah…"

"He's not wrong," Lana sighed.

"Number Eighteen," Ray went on. "Introduce yourself to new employees. Oh, dear Lord…"

"That may not be one of the best strategies for this group," Lana sighed.

"Seven times out of ten a new employee runs for the door," Krieger nodded.

"To be fair Krieger," Ray said. "In the future don't meet your new interns wearing a blood-stained lab coat and carrying a chainsaw."

Krieger nodded. "First impressions are important."

"Number Nineteen," Ray read. "Keep the office refrigerator clean."

"That one we have a slight problem with," Pam admitted.

"We had to get a new refrigerator because the food inside mutated into a new lifeform!" Ray agreed.

"Krieger you really have got to not put in radioactive materials in there," Lana said.

"I haven't in weeks! GOD!" Krieger groaned. "Besides, I got my own refrigerator in my lab. And this time I remembered to close the Tupperware lid on those mutating spores!"

"Note to self," Pam blinked. "Never take anything out of Krieger's fridge. Ever."

"Number Twenty," Ray said. "Your co-worker's time is valuable. Give people a head's up if they are going to be late."

"Someone should have told Archer this before he went into the damn coma," Pam groaned.

"She's not wrong," Lana sighed. "Is that it?"

"That's it," Ray nodded.

"This list **is bogus**!" Pam said. "It doesn't say the **really important** things you shouldn't do in an office."

"Like not having sex on your co-worker's desk?" Ray asked. "Lana."

"What?" Lana looked guilty. "Archer and I…Well not with Cyril or…"

"Or me?" Pam asked.

"Yeah…" Lana winced.

"Or in the broom closet?" Pam snickered.

"And that one time in the elevator?" Krieger added.

"You know…?" Lana looked at them, her face turning red.

"Basically, everything we do here we shouldn't do anywhere else," Ray said. "This office is a great example of what **not** to do."

Krieger paused. "So now what do we do?"

"Well I just adopted an elephant," Pam showed him. "For thirty bucks!"

"Cool," Krieger said. "I want to do that."

"It might not be a bad project to do with AJ," Lana realized. "Where did you say you got the kit again Pam?"

"That Hallmark Card store in the mall," Pam said. "They got everything there. I might get some more chocolate covered pretzels."

"A place where you can get cards, chocolate covered pretzels **and** adopt an elephant?" Krieger gasped. "I must see this wonderland!"

"Let's go," Ray said.

"But what about…" Lana began and started to laugh. "I almost said work."

"I know right?" Pam snickered as they prepared to leave.

"What's going on?" Cyril walked over with Cheryl. "Where are you going?"

"We're going to adopt some elephants," Ray said. "It only costs thirty bucks a kit. And we think it might tick Archer off."

"It would wouldn't it?" Cyril realized. "I'm gonna do that too!"

"That will really impress Archer," Cheryl nodded. "That will teach him for dragging out this coma thing too damn long!"

"I would think living our lives would make more of an impression with Archer," Krieger said.

"Where have you **been **all these years?" Lana asked.

"You're right," Krieger nodded. "The elephant thing would totally make him jealous!"

"Let's go adopt some elephants!" Cheryl cheered. "I'm going to adopt a whole freaking herd! It will totally tick my brother and Tiffy off!"

"You know we're not actually adopting real elephants and taking them home, right?" Lana asked Cheryl.

"Duh!" Cheryl said. "I know **that.** I'm not stupid. Besides I'm pretty sure an elephant would just piss off my ocelot. And not in a fun way. Because he'd piss all over my furniture."

"Office Rule Number Five at the Figgis Agency," Ray remarked as they left. "The best way to get anything done around here is to do it out of spite."


End file.
